Star Trek: Discovery

   I just got finished binge watching Season 4 of Star Trek: Discovery. Even the music at the beginning and ending of the show stirs my soul and puts my imagination in hyperdrive. I’ve always loved Sci-Fi. As a boy, my mom got me reading science fiction as a way to keep my overactive brain engaged on boring, rainy days when we couldn’t go outside to play (yeah, in my generation we did that. There was basically nothing to do in the house.) I was a strange kid by anyone’s standards. I read the whole set of Encyclopedia’s Mom bought from a door-to-door salesman. I started with A and didn’t stop until I got to Z. Then I went to town on works by all the Classic writers that came with the set. Then, I read the whole Catholic Bible from cover to cover when I was 12.

  But science fiction grabbed my fancy back then and never let it go. They say that travel broadens your horizons. That’s a pretty fair statement, and I’ve done my share of that. But nothing broadens and opens your mind like science fiction. It opened my mind to endless possibilities at a very young age. And to this day, I never grow tired of reading science fiction and playing my “what if” game in my head. As most of you know, I’ve written four of my own science fiction books. People who’ve read them are always asking me how I come up with some of the ideas I expressed in them. I’m not always sure. Some of those ideas just seem to pop into my head as I’m putting words down on paper. I don’t know where those come from. Others emerge from conversations I’ve had with friends online or just from random things I’ve read over the years. I also, often have some pretty wild science fiction dreams.

  Star Trek: Discovery is the latest spin-off from the original Star Trek show on TV. I’m watching it on Amazon Prime. The first three seasons are all there. And now the fourth season is also on there up to episode seven so far. For the record, there is almost no comparison between it and the original. Don’t get me wrong. I loved the original. It was so mind-blowing in its day. But when I go back and watch those old reruns, it looks so cheesy now. Discovery supposedly takes place more than a thousand years in the future of Captain Jean Luc Picard’s day. And the tech on the ship is almost like magic compared to the old Enterprise. And like Spock would say, the interactions between the crew members are “fascinating”. It seems that no matter how far into the future we imagine our heroes to be, they are still caricatures of us. Captain Kirk and his crew, in the 25^th century, were pushing the boundaries of sexuality and society’s mores just like the hippies of the 1960s were – miniskirts and all. Also, audiences were totally shocked when white Captain Kirk kissed black Uhura in one episode. And when you watch the original Star Trek, you notice that although the crew is a mixture of ethnicities (with a very small handful of aliens thrown in for good measure), the main characters are white. Whereas, in Star Trek: Discovery, most of the characters are either aliens or black with only a few white people tossed in. I guess today’s political correctness carries over for thousands of years into the future, right? You’ll also notice a few gays, lesbians, and some “I’m not sures” on board this ship. And I don’t think they got around to swearing in the 25^th century (and it was definitely not allowed on 1960 TV shows) but the Discovery is under no such restrictions. An “F” bomb or two and then some are sprinkled in loosely, but they make it sound like what kids do when there are no grownups around. That has been a common practice in a lot of science fiction right from the beginning. And I’m pretty sure that librarians never read a lot of those sci-fi books they had stocked proudly on their shelves back in the sixties.

  I’ve discussed before, on my blog, what I thought the intriguing dynamic was in the original Star Trek series. It was the interplay between emotional Dr. McCoy, rational, logic-only, Mr. Spock, and blended/balanced Captain Kirk.

  In Discovery, however, the main emphasis seems to be on love for one another, no matter how different or diverse the cultures interacting are from one another.

  Now remember, I said that science fiction was very mind opening. For me, it always was. It really allows you to step outside your own culture and see things from a sometimes very alien perspective. And then when you look at our very real cultural differences, they don’t seem to be all that important anymore. Human beings are human beings after all. And we’re all in the same boat.

   But here I have to confess to some cultural bias of my own that made it difficult to watch Star Trek: Discovery at first. The whole gay and lesbian thing was hard for me to watch. My own religious cultural upbringing tells me to not judge the person but never to condone the behavior either. And I do my best not to, in my head. At the same time, I find it very difficult to watch two men hugging and kissing. Now on Captain Janeway’s starship, there were two aliens that were both male who were a married couple, and one of them gave birth to their child. But it never showed them actually kissing one another. I try to be open minded about it. But it’s not easy at all. And no, I don’t like to see two women kissing either. So, in theory, I like the overall theme of this new sci-fi series. I just hope the show doesn’t go too far in pushing at those boundaries. My mind is already open more than most from a lifetime of immersing my psyche into the weird and wonderful world of science fiction. And no matter how old I get, I’m still like a child lost in wonder when I have one of those amazing sci-fi books in my hands. By the way, if you would like an old-fashioned sci-fi adventure story, check out my four books above, and let me know what you think. Any mind opening going on when you read my stories?  

 

Visions of Heaven

  The Hebrews believed in at least three heavens, and they pictured them layered one on top of the other.  I agree with their assessment up to a point. The first heaven is the blue sky above us with clouds and all the birds of the air. The second heaven is the stars and all things big and small in the universe. The third heaven is not a layer on top of that one. The Throne Room of God is not just another layer on top of the universal layer. That heaven exists outside of the physical universe where God lives outside of Time and Space.

  Now what got me thinking about all this is Jesus’ mention of many mansions in heaven. Of course, in the heavenly realm, there could be as many mansions as God wanted there to be. And I hear people all the time talking about living in one of those mansions for eternity. I always caution them against that idea. If you died a believer anytime in the past or between now and the Second Coming, you might get your mail in one of those mansions for sure.  But it’s not going to be your permanent address. 

  You see in Revelations and elsewhere it states that after the Millennium rule of Jesus here on Earth, the Earth will be turned into a lake of fire, and then it will be destroyed after all the damned souls perish there. All of Earth, and all the heavens, even all the elements will melt in a fervent heat. And all we know of as reality right now will be destroyed. And God will create a New Earth, A New Jerusalem, and New Heavens. So, included in that destruction would be the old heaven with all those mansions. God’s Throne will be moved to the New Earth and located in New Jerusalem.

  Will there be mansions on the New Earth? Possibly. Many will reside in New Jerusalem which is described in the Bible as being a cube approximately 5,000 miles to a side. You could put a lot of people in that kind of space. But it does not say how big the New Earth will be. It does say there will be no oceans. Only land with rivers (at least one mentioned) and lakes. Build me a cabin next to a river filled with rainbow trout in a part of the land that looks like Tennessee, and I will be happy. No mansion required.

  Another thing the Bible does not tell us is that we will be confined to New Earth. In our physical bodies, we haven’t been able to get very far into the current Universe. But with indestructible, incorruptible bodies and given eternity we could go a long way away from New Earth and explore all the New Heavens (aka The New Universe). Don’t expect me to be home much. Get in touch with me through an Angelic Messenger and I’ll meet you there for some fly fishing. But otherwise, I will be exploring all the opportunities in the great sea of the universe.

  This brings up another question. Are there other civilizations (aka aliens) in our current Universe? Would God create them just to destroy them at the end of the millennium? Possibly. Many Christians are inclined to believe that we are alone in this Universe. If not, it would require that Jesus manifested himself to every other Civilization that might be out there. And furthermore, that He would have to then die for their sins like he did for ours. We would hope that He would not have to go through that repeatedly. So, we shudder to think of other civilizations in our current Universe for that reason. But I caution you not to jump on that bandwagon too soon. For you must remember that with God, all things are possible.

  And here is a final note to those who currently don’t believe in any of this and think that it was all just one big happy accident. And even if you think it’s all absurd and impossible, why would you take that risk of ending in a lake of fire when you could have eternity in a brand-new Universe? Being a believer, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Being a non-believer, you have nothing to gain and everything to lose. My friends, everything in science (even though scientists themselves are science deniers) and everything in Nature points to a Divine Designer. Do your own research and come to your own conclusions. Don’t let them spoon-feed you into the second death. God loves you. And He does not want that to be your end. Join me in worship and prayer, and maybe someday we will meet on the banks of that river and do a little fly-fishing together. God and I both would like that very much.

                               

                                            

 Looking Down The Road

  We (and I) need to stop referring to our government like it's a separate entity - a thing all its own. "The Government" does not have intentions, motives, values, or morals. Only the people who operate in it do. And our government, especially, is supposed to be of "We The People". So, if our government is corrupt, it is the people in it who are corrupt. And since it is supposed to be a representative government (representing all of us) then perhaps it could be said it is we (in general) who have become corrupt and have lost our way. When the rudder falls off, the ship will go astray, guaranteed. Looking at our society, in general, it is corrupt. Morals have become meaningless. Respect is passé. Manners are an old-fashioned concept. And God (at least the Christian one) has been banned from public life. And instead of mutual benefits from cooperation, it has become every person for themselves. And all that matters is how much "stuff" you can accumulate in this lifetime. Is it any wonder that the pool of available candidates for public office has become very shallow? I know that there are good, decent people in this country. But most of them are in a state of shock. And they are hunkering down, unable to fathom where it all went wrong and what to do about it. Of course, I could go on and on about our growing materialistic secularism as the main corrupting force. And the way I see it - it is.

  But also, the things happening in the political arena are driving a wedge between people who should be recognizing their common goals and needs and working on that but are instead focusing on their different ideologies and shoving violently against one another, creating a divide that will soon become irreparable if it hasn’t already. The situation has nearly reached critical mass. I greatly fear the explosion that is sure to follow if the trend continues.

  Yet, still, I sense an impending backlash to all of this. People are growing tired of gridlock in DC. They’re tired of being labeled racist when they’re not. But they are being called that just because they don’t agree with your solutions to common problems that only suit you and your side. There is flat out no attempt at compromise anymore on either the right or the left. Both sides are equally guilty. And more and more people are getting tired of it. For way too many years, the majority of eligible voters have opted out of the system and refused to even vote. That of course, is making the situation worse because it gives greater voice to contentious minorities who only have their own best interests at heart rather than the welfare of the whole country in general. That must change. Instead of remaining on the sidelines and bitching from the peanut gallery about the results, everyone of legal status and age needs to participate in the process or forever sit by and watch as this country rips itself apart.

  So, all the above is a description of what’s happening. And what needs to happen to fix the problem. But here’s my prognosis for what will happen. I do sense growing unrest that may manifest itself in the form of a third-party movement. The best outcome of that would be a clean sweep of the bad actors involved in all phases of government riding us once and for all of their bad influence and representation. But I don’t see that happening in time to save us. I know our current President is taking on this daunting task, with the aid of a couple of branches of the military, as a part of a joint initiative with those services. How successful he can be in this remains to be seen. If he pushes too hard, those forces for a One World Government will kill him.

  What I do see happening, in light of our ever-increasing move toward secular materialism, is the eventual neutralization (self-destruction) of this nation and a sweeping victory for the forces advocating a “One World Government” (Code for Worldwide Dictatorship).

  That’s a scary thought, right? Well, it should be. I know there are those who are praying fervently for a different outcome. There are also some who are working hard to make sure it doesn’t happen. And they are up against a very powerful minority of elites working just as hard to ensure it does happen. However, the biggest majority of people are just oblivious as to what’s going on. And they don’t care one way or the other what happens (therein lies our doom).

  As for me, I’m trying to do my best to wake people up and prepare them for what’s coming down the road. How could I not? If I saw you barreling down the road at 100 miles an hour, and I knew the bridge was out ahead, wouldn’t I be morally required to do everything in my power to warn you? Well, this is me warning you. The bridge is out!

  I wish it would be possible to pray all these problems away. Or work them away. Or ignore them and hope they go away on their own. But, because of my religious convictions, I know better. My Bible tells me it’s coming whether I like it or not. And mostly we have brought it upon ourselves by distancing ourselves from the only one who could save us. But also, we have an enemy who is implacable in his intent to destroy us. The One World Government is his baby all the way. And he won’t rest until he sees it happen. Because he fully intends to make himself King of The World. And then force us to bow down to him and worship him alone.

  As the angels always say, “See you do it not!”

Mass Shooting: Fears and Speculations

  I’m starting to cringe at thoughts going through my mind right now. I don’t mean to be an alarmist or conspiracy theorist. But sometimes facts start to add up and move me to believe things might be so. Even if I don’t want to believe it at all. And I hesitate at sharing these thoughts with all of you because I know what the knee-jerk answer to them will be ahead of time. “Not possible!” is what I would even say if someone else said what I’m about to.

  We all understand the left-wing party in this country wants to ban all firearm ownership among all U.S. citizenry. They make their agenda clear more and more every day. With this agenda in mind, we must ask ourselves what lengths they would go to in order to achieve this goal? The answer in my mind scares me. And I don’t want to believe it. I don’t jump on conspiracies lightly without examining them closely first. For instance, I examined all the evidence available for years before I concluded that 9/11 was an inside job and had nothing to do with middle eastern terrorists. Rather, it was a con job perpetrated against the American people in order to move us to involvement in pre-planned foreign wars. You can call me a conspiracy nut all you want to, but that’s what the evidence points to.

   The conspiracy I’m considering now is one just as horrifying if true. It’s a conspiracy wrought by the so-called Deep State government to ban all private ownership of guns in this country. And they seem to be hell-bent on doing what it takes to make this happen. And just like 9/11, they don’t care how many people must die to see it through to their stated goal. Their goal is twofold. Ban all guns. And not because they are worried about mass shootings. Their ultimate goal is to squash individual freedom and take over complete control of our government. By taking away guns, they minimize the resistance they will face when they make their grand move. Their other goal is to limit our population anyway, so they don’t really care how many have to die to achieve their goals.

  I know I can’t produce hard evidence to prove what I suspect. But let’s look at some facts. Our government spies on each and every one of us constantly. They monitor every type of communication we involve ourselves in. They have been doing this for a long time. And with today’s technology, that job has gotten even easier for them. And I’m not speculating about this part. I was part of the surveillance team when I was in the military. We monitored all of our own communications as well as those of foreign governments. And our job, because of military reduction that occurred in the 1970s, was outsourced to the NSA. The NSA tried to recruit me before I left the military since I was already involved in this activity and already had a Top-Secret clearance.

  Now you would think with the type of invasive monitoring that they do these days on all of us, our government would be well aware of who’s buying weapons and making plans to do something terrible. Yet, you never see very much in the way of top-down effort to stop these mass shootings from occurring. Sometimes, not even at the local level. How many times have we heard that the FBI was aware of risky behavior by certain individuals or groups, yet nothing was done about it? Makes you wonder, doesn’t it? I know they are well aware of me right now and my sentiments as far as not trusting our government. But they also know that I don’t own any weapons other than a few swords and a bow. And that I’m at an old enough age that taking drastic action to do anything is beyond me. But the paranoid scrutiny on their part probably remains regardless.

  So, my point about the monitoring of us all is this. How can some young man who’s buying weapons and ammo, keeping to himself, and maybe visiting the dark web or questionable sites on the internet escape their scrutiny?

My conclusion is they don’t. And from that conclusion, I have to speculate that they usually know way ahead of time what’s about to happen. But they don’t do anything about it. They let it happen. And worse yet – I further suspect that someone on the inside is actively encouraging and aiding and abetting these sick individuals.

  Just hypothetically, let’s imagine that some teen or young adult goes on social media and starts talking about the futility of life and maybe even hints at taking their own life. How hard would it be for someone to anonymously encourage those feelings online and steer them in a certain direction? They could suggest things like mass shootings as an alternative to just turning a weapon on themselves. They could even clear a path for them to carry it out. They might buy the weapon and ammo for the event that will "make the kid famous". And promise to secretly pay off the family’s debt or provide loved ones with access to an unnumbered bank account with say a million dollars or so. None of which would be beyond their means.

And since the very Deep State agencies that make this happen are going to be investigating the aftermath, do you think we would ever find out the truth about any of it? Especially since the mainstream media seems to be bought and paid for by the same Deep State/Secret Government we’re talking about.

  Another thing that would be very easy for them to do would be to plant written manifestos on the internet claiming to be from the shooter a short time before the shooting begins. I’ve read the so-called “manifesto” that one of the latest shooters was alleged to have posted. This shooter was a 21-year-old young man. Now I hate to disparage the education system here. But I’ve seen many samples as to what passes for writing these days in our young people. And I could be wrong here since I don’t know this young man at all. But the writing and language used in this supposed manifesto does not seem to be typical. Either this was a very smart young man, or someone wrote it for him.

  Another thing I find coincidental is that when I was younger, growing up here in Texas, we all had access to guns. But no one came to school or anywhere else one day and just started opening up on people at random. We had differences for sure. But we settled them always in a less violent manner. So, what’s changed? If not the access to guns, what could it be? Granted our society has taken a turn for the worse, as far as I’m concerned, with our growing materialism and secularism. But is that enough to explain the difference? I’m not so sure. To me, the glaring difference, which represents a drastic change, is the direction and stated agenda of the left and the Deep State. We know where they want to go and they want to take the rest of us with them. Could they be capable of such horrendous methods to achieve their goals? The increasing frequencies of these mass shootings suggest to me that they would and are capable of anything.

  My hopes and prayers are that I’m wrong about all this. But my deepest fear is that I’m dead on about what’s motivating these lost individuals to strike out so drastically and violently in such senseless futility. God help us all if what I fear is the truth.

The True Story of Becky and Me

Yes, it’s true that Linda was the “Love of My Life”. I knew from the first date that we were destined to be together. But somehow, after twelve years of marriage, that train got derailed. Life really sucks sometimes and doesn’t always go the way we planned. That’s one of the reasons I quit making plans. Mine rarely worked out the way I wanted them to.

  After Linda and I divorced, I was adrift for several years. And I hate to admit it now, but I did indulge in a lot of self-destructive behavior. There was only one bright spot in all those years, and that was Wanda. She and I were together for two years. I loved that girl very, very much. And I wanted to settle down with her. I asked her to marry me three times during the course of those two years. But she swore she was never getting married again after her first husband died. And she finally convinced me she meant it, so I broke it off. The crazy thing is where she lived way on the outskirts of Vidor, Texas she had a neighbor named Becky. I never saw or met Becky during those two years although Wanda did tell me about her. The poor girl was being held a virtual prisoner by her overly jealous husband.

  I did meet someone after Wanda who convinced me that we should marry and settle down. Angelia and I were together for fourteen years. Then divorce happened again. So, a year or so later, I put myself back out there on this new-fangled thing called the internet. That’s where I met Becky.

  On our first date, after only corresponding via e-mail for a couple of months and never seeing even a picture of her, Becky and I agreed to meet at Cheddars in Beaumont. At that time, I was back living with my mother after getting laid off from my job about a week before Christmas. Yeah, sucks, right?

  Anyway, Becky and I hit it off right away. She was funny and witty – two things I thoroughly enjoy in a woman – and I couldn’t stop staring into her sparkling blue eyes. I was captivated at first sight.

  When I got home after that first date, my mom asked me how it went. I told her that it went way better than I expected. I told her there was just something about Becky that you couldn’t help but like. Becky and I dated for the next three months or so, mostly on Friday nights. Then one week, I couldn’t go on Friday. So, I asked her to go out on a Saturday night. She told me she couldn’t go on Saturday because she had another date already. I said, then how about Sunday night? Becky said nope because she had a different date that night too. I said it was cool and maybe next week then.

  Becky acted very surprised at this and wanted to know if it bothered me that she was dating other people. I told her it didn’t bother me at all, just as long as she saved at least one night a week for me. I assured her that I knew, just because we were going out, it didn’t mean I somehow owned her or had any say in what she did with her life.

  The next week, when I called her for our usual Friday night date, she told me to take a pick of any day that week. That her calendar was completely open. I asked her what happened to those other two guys she was dating, and she told me that she decided to tell both of them that she was dating other people. Both got jealous and demanded that she should pick and only date one of us exclusively. When she didn’t agree to that, they dumped her. She told me I won her by default. And we started seeing a lot more of each other after that. Another month or so went by, and I realized I was hopelessly in love with Becky. So, one Friday evening, when we had come back from eating out, she and I came in and sat on her sofa. She turned on the TV. But there was not a whole lot of TV watching going on. After about the third sweet kiss, the words just fell out of my mouth – Becky, I love you.

  As soon as I said it, Becky stood up and told me it was time to leave. I said, “Huh?” I mean, what else could I say? I was stunned and speechless. When I just stood there, she kinda took my arm and headed me for the front door. I asked her if she heard what I said. I figured she must have heard me wrong somehow. But she said, “I heard you. Now go home and call me tomorrow.”

  On the way home, I was completely flabbergasted. It was definitely not the response I had been expecting. I told my mother what happened when I got home, and she couldn’t believe it either. She was as stunned as I was because from what I had been telling her she was of the same opinion as me – that it must be love. The next evening, I called Becky with my fingers crossed. She told me to come over the next Friday and we would talk. Well, I can tell you right now, that was a very nervous week for me. I did a lot of soul searching and praying, wondering what I would do if it turned out she didn’t have the same feelings as me. Could I have been so wrong about us? During that week, I got called to come to work for Brand Scaffolding at Motiva. So, at least one thing was going my way.

  Well, Friday finally got there, and I was a nervous wreck when she met me at her door. To me, she looked so beautiful in that moment, and I knew  I didn’t want to lose her.

  We sat on that same sofa again and she looked me in the eyes for a minute before she said anything. I was wondering if she could hear my heart pounding. And then she finally spoke up. And this is what she said.

  “I heard what you said the other day, and I was afraid that might be coming. But there is something you need to know about me first.”

  I couldn’t imagine what that might be. We had talked so much about ourselves that I felt like there couldn’t possibly be too many secrets left between us. But then she continued.

  “I’ve been diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis and don’t have all that much time to live. So, with that in mind, I wouldn’t blame you if you got up right now and walked away and never called me again. That’s why I was just dating different people and not letting any one of them get too close. And if you leave, it’s probably what I’ll start doing again until I can’t anymore. If you decide that we can still be friends, then that’s cool too.”

  This is how the rest of that conversation went:

  “So, how long ago was it that the doctor’s told you this? And how much time did they give you?” I asked

  “Ten years ago. And they said I could go any day.”

  I sat there and didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes. She waited patiently.

  “So, ten years ago they told you this and you’re still here?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, silly, first of all, I’ve already told you I’m in love with you. So, what kind of jerk would I have to be to walk away from you now? And secondly, those stupid doctors told you that you could go any day, and you’re still here? Well, then, there’s no way to know how much time you have left. And, hell girl, I just got hired on at a refinery that could blow up at any time. I build scaffolds which is a very dangerous job. And I drive like a maniac. So, I could possibly go way before you. How about we just agree to make the best of whatever time we have and leave it at that?”

  “So, you’re saying you still love me anyway, in spite of what I just told you?”

  “Yes, Becky, I love you with all my heart and soul. And I promise I will keep on loving you until the end.”

  “The end could get ugly.” She said, being as honest with me as she could.

  “I don’t care. I promise I will be there holding your hand if that time comes. And I will be loving you more than ever.”

  The tears started to flow at that point, and she said, “In that case, I love you too!” She threw her arms around my neck and almost squeezed the life out of me right then and there.

  Soon after that, we rented a house in Port Acres, Texas and spent some of the happiest years of our lives together. It took a little coaxing at first to get her to pull that one foot out of the grave and throw away the banana peel she was standing on with the other foot. But she eventually came around and just began to live for the day. Once she did that, Becky was such a joy to be around. She made every day fun. Even knowing how it would end up, I don’t regret a single day of it. We were together for five years. The last six months were hard to see as she quickly descended into worsening health. But I kept my promise. I was there holding her hand and telling her how much I loved her until she took her final breath.

  I miss Becky every day. I miss her laughter. I miss her playful spirit. But I know I will see her again. And when that day comes for me, I may not be able to see it until it’s over. But I know she will be there holding my hand, too, the whole time.

  I love you, Becky.         

How Are We Doing?

  When I was still in school, Port Arthur, Texas was still a segregated community. I had the occasion to see and interact with different groups of people through my father’s work as a police officer. He often brought me with him to work when he was a desk sergeant in the Port Arthur PD. On a Friday or Saturday night, what I saw and learned there left a lasting impression. I saw the public face of the police department, but I knew the private one. And the two were nowhere near the same. My own father was a very bigoted person. And at the time, I didn’t even know what that word meant. Please, don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t the only adult I knew of that was like that. And I just knew that the way he acted towards other racial groups publicly was nowhere even close to what he expressed to me in private.

  I must admit here, that as a youngster, I was very naïve about the world and how it works. I read all the time. And for me, the world should be like those fantasy worlds I read about. To discover that it wasn’t like that, was a shocker and an eye-opener to me. I was one of those kids that was always asking, “Why? or Why not?” In the science fiction books that I read, people came in all colors, shapes, and personalities. Science fiction asked you not to judge who were “people” and who wasn’t based on their looks at all. Instead, you were expected to judge them solely on their personalities and actions alone. They could be blue aliens or little green men, or even giant preying mantis type beings and still be “people” as long as they behaved in an acceptable manner.

  But Friday and Saturday nights at the police station, I saw that this wasn’t the case in the real world. For the life of me, I didn’t understand why not. The first opportunity I had to actually talk to and interact with a person with very much darker skin than my own, was when I was about ten-years-old. A black man, whom my father dealt with, owed him some money. To help pay off his debt, my father allowed the man’s wife to come and help with chores, including doing windows, around our house because my mom was pregnant yet again. I don’t remember the lady’s name now. But she was outside on a ladder washing the windows one day, and I was standing there watching her. My curious mind wanted to get to the bottom of why I wasn’t supposed to like her based on her skin color and nothing else.

  I was born with a fairly dark complexion. And during the long, hot Southeast Texas summers, I got very dark. The black lady on the ladder, finally noticed me standing there watching her. She smiled and said, “Boy, you better get out this hot sun before you get as black as me.” And then she laughed with a very genuine and friendly laugh that put me very much at ease.

  As I was very shy when I was young, I had problems talking to anyone. But for some reason, her laughter made my shyness go away. I told her that I didn’t care how dark I got and that it was like that every summer. I asked how come she was working on our house. And she explained to me what the situation was. I think I sat there talking to her for about thirty minutes before my dad came out and told me to go play and quit bothering her, so she could get her work done. Even though he never said it to me, I got the distinct impression that he didn’t approve of me talking to the woman at all. And again, I couldn’t understand why not. I thought the lady was nice and funny. I liked her. At that time in my life, I couldn’t say that about too many adults at all.

  From that day until my senior year in high school, I had no other interaction with anyone of color other than one of my best friends who was Hispanic. Back in those days, the Hispanic invasion of our southern border hadn’t happened yet. And the few Hispanics here, could probably trace their heritage back to before the Alamo. Even so, I saw first hand how some folks viewed even him when I heard them calling him “Spic” behind his back. Then in my Senior year, it happened. They mandatorily enforced “racial integration” of our schools. I remember, just before that school year started, everyone was bracing themselves for the violence that such a move might ignite. It had in many other parts of the country. I heard my friends and family members speak in hushed tones about how awful it was going to be, and how we all had to watch each other’s backs.

  Then the big day came when they bussed over approximately one hundred students from the black community into ours. It was obvious that everyone on both sides was uncomfortable with the situation at first. But nothing really happened because of it. No riots broke out. No fights. After a couple of weeks, it was just a bunch of kids trying to make it through the rigors of high school in one piece. My own experience during my senior year was that I made several new friends from the wrong side of the railroad tracks, and I got labeled a “n….r lover” by many of my white classmates. But in my case, I was always on the outside looking in. Hey, I was already the guy who hung around with the Hispanic guy, so I didn’t have much to lose. And my social standing could not have fallen any further down than it already was. So, it hardly phased me at all. But other than a few racial slurs, I have to say that our community handled the situation much better than some others elsewhere in the country were doing at the time.

  After graduation, I worked for a year at a job on Houston Avenue in downtown Port Arthur. I was the only white boy in a completely black neighborhood. And I have to say that I never felt threatened or discomforted because of my skin color in that part of town back then. I even walked several blocks through town every day to go to lunch at one of the neighborhood cafes (this old white boy loved him some soul food). No one ever bothered me.

  My next stop was Uncle Sam’s Army. There they pounded it into our heads that Uncle Sam’s Army only recognized one color and that was OD Green. I had a friend in basic training who was black and had a PHD in mathematics who worked for NASA in Houston. He had been drafted and could have gotten a deferment avoiding service altogether, but he chose not to. Once in, they were always bugging him to go to Officer’s school or take a direct commission to the officer ranks. He turned them down every time. He told us he just wanted to serve his country for the two years he was in for and then get out and go back to NASA. We didn’t know whether we should admire him or call him completely insane. But that was the first time I ever interacted with someone who was demonstrably way smarter than me. Another eye opener!

  After the army, I began working at Texaco Refinery in Port Arthur. My first year there, I met a black man whose last name was Johnson. I don’t know if I ever knew his first name. I always just called him Mr. Johnson. He was in his sixties and I was just a punk kid in my early twenties, but we became very good friends. I was working full time and going to college full time as well. Mr. Johnson didn’t have much of an education at all. He could not read and write. He had started working at Texaco when he was ten-years-old as a water boy carrying water to the work crews out in the field. He was fascinated by my studies in college. Every day he would ask me what I learned in school that day. I would tell him everything my professors had gone over in class and he would listen intently. Sometimes, he would smile or laugh and say, “Well, that might be what they say in your school books, but it was my experience…” And that was always the way of it. He would never outright disagree with anything I told him. The first words out of his mouth every time was, “In my experience…” It wasn’t long before I realized that this was one of the wisest men I had ever met. Uneducated, yes. But smarter than most of the people I knew. Thinking of him always kept me humble when I finally did earn that college degree. Because of him, I never felt like I was any smarter or wiser than anyone else I might run into.

  Port Arthur also had an influx of Vietnamese after the unfortunate war ended there. They were met with a little animosity, at first, from both the white and black communities. There was some friction between the different groups for a while. But it settled down. Now the third and fourth generations of Vietnamese kids are just as Texan as any of the rest of us.

  So, how are we doing as a community? I say I must be proud of our community overall. At least of the ones who remain in it. Many left, of course, due to what’s been referred to as “White Flight”. There has also been some “Black Flight” from the influx of Hispanics pouring into our area as well. My mother never left her general neighborhood in Port Arthur. And she saw her area go from all white to all black (except for her), then to Vietnamese, and finally to just about all Hispanic. So, there have been some major influxes. Right along with all that, there have been many different peoples coming to our area from all over the world. Just go into any convenience store in our area, and you will see what I mean. Are we killing each other or rioting in the streets? No. Are there still some who sling about racial slurs and wish to separate themselves from anyone who is not like them? Sadly, yes.

  But overall, I think we’re doing well. I was sitting in a coffee shop in Groves, Texas, where I live now, which is a small community that is basically a suburb of Port Arthur. Traditionally, Groves has always been a white-only community. But that is changing. As I sipped my Sugar-free, Vanilla, Latte, and read my latest science fiction selection, I saw a couple of black people come in to get coffee. They were pleasant and were greeted pleasantly by the owner. No one else in the place even glanced up or paid them any never mind (as my momma used to say). And it got me to thinking about how far we’ve come. At least in my part of the world. And it made me proud to be from a town that has seen good times and gone through bad times but has come to understand that we are all in this together. None of us can afford to go it alone anymore. We all need each other to survive. One thing I’ve learned in all my travels and in my job I have now, where I meet people from all over the world, is that people are just people no matter what their skin color is. We all want the same things. It is high time we stop thinking of race as something that separates us. There is only one race on this planet. And it is the human race. For the human race to survive and make it much farther down the road, we are all going to have to work together for that to happen.

  I am nearly seventy years old now. Over the last fifty years, I’ve seen attitudes change – sometimes more slowly than we’d like. But they have changed, and it’s mostly for the better. However, today there is a new divide happening right in front of our eyes, and it’s a very sad thing to have to witness after we were making so much progress. Now it’s Conservative vs. Liberals. And there are different sexes, races (so-called), ethnicities, and religions in both camps. And they are both ratcheting up the rhetoric and hate speech against the opposing side to the point of almost coming to blows. There’s even been talk of a Civil War brewing. Come on people. Don’t let politics tear us apart again. It’s just insane.

  We are all Americans, and we need to get our act together before it does come to blows. And to me, it’s more than that. We are all children of God. It definitely would displease Him to see his children behaving so badly towards one another. I can’t say that I will always agree with you. But I can say that I will always love you as a fellow human being no matter what you believe or how misguided I might think you are. Going forward, lets put our heads together and work out the problems we can. And for those problems that seem insurmountable right now, let’s just put them aside and maybe the solution will come to us down the road with God’s help. Let’s keep the progress we’ve made so far and not throw it all away just because someone has drawn a line in the sand or down an aisle.

  

Some Kind of Beautiful

Amanda Jones                                                                                           Watts

                        

  It sure is awesome to be off on a Monday. I slept in late this morning. Got up and just watched an old movie on Netflix called "Some Kind Of Wonderful". It's a movie I've seen 20 times if I've seen it once. It's one of those movies I end up watching every time I come across it on TV. I always thought the guy was blind and stupid if he didn't see the love he had staring him in the face. Yeah, Amanda Jones was beautiful, and Watts was just the tomboy next door. And when I was in school, I used to crush on some of the popular, beautiful girls like Keith (Eric Stoltz) was doing with Amanda. I learned the hard way the sad truth that, with most of them, their beauty ended just barely below the skin. Real beauty is something transcendent, and it radiates from the soul.

  I knew a plain girl with inch-thick glasses once who desperately wanted to be loved. She threw herself at any guy that would have her. But most of them just took what she offered and then tossed her aside. In her mind, it was because she wasn't pretty enough. So, she spent years fixing what she thought was her problem. She worked out at a gym and lost weight. She had a boob job. She got contacts. She had a complete makeover with hair and makeup until she was drop-dead gorgeous.

  I hadn’t seen the girl in years and had forgotten all about her. She came to the nightclub where I worked one night looking for the one guy who had always treated her with kindness and respect. All the guys in the place were falling all over themselves to get her to notice them. But she ignored them and went up to that one guy. He didn't recognize her at first. She looked nothing like anyone he had ever known. But when she reminded him of the nickname the other guys used to call her, “Ashtrays” (because of her thick glasses) it finally dawned on him who she was. Once he recognized her, she threw her arms around his neck and said, “Take me home tonight. I did this all for you.”

  He shook his head looking at those now quite beautiful blue eyes (and trying desperately not to look any lower) and pulled her arms away from his neck.

  “No, he told her. You did all this for yourself. And don’t get me wrong you look great. Better than great. And it’s a good start. But now you need to work on what’s inside.”

  “What do you mean?” she demanded angrily. “Are you saying you still don’t want me?”

  “Exactly,” he said. He could see the shock in her eyes and knew she was asking herself how this could be possible. Wasn’t she now what every guy dreamed about having?

   “It was never about your looks. I always tried to be your friend. But to be honest, you’re so empty inside except for the self-loathing. You don’t even like yourself. How can you expect anyone else to like you? And, besides, you don’t even really know me.”

 “So, you’re turning this down?” she asked indicating with her hands what she meant by “this” as she moved them down her now incredibly sexy body.

  “Yes,” he told her. He saw a tear roll down one check. And for a moment it almost melted his resolve not to do something he would regret. He had always been a sucker for tears.

  She turned away and left him standing there. He shook his head sadly and then went about his business. He didn’t notice her again until he saw her making out with the bartender. The bartender came over and asked me if he could get off early that night. I finally let him talk me into it. With a big grin, he was out of there like a shot. I thought maybe I should have warned him about that girl. But some guys just have to learn the hard way that beauty isn’t everything. Especially, when it is only skin deep.

  When all the other guys realized that the pretty girl had come in there for that one guy and he had turned her down, they all wanted to know what was wrong with him. They knew he wasn’t seeing anyone at the moment. Was he sick or something? They had to know. He just shook his head and smiled and said, “Ask the bartender tomorrow.”

  So to all the pretty girls out there (yeah, you know who you are, and we all know your modesty is fake), if you were born with good looks, be thankful. But don't be satisfied with just that free gift. Work on being beautiful from within. That beauty will never let you down, and it will never fade.

 

                        

                                        

                                      Gunfire in School

  Again? This time a student of the school who apparently was angry with his ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend and decided to take his anger out on the whole school. Seventeen died. My heart dies every time this sort of thing happens. I cry over innocent lives lost for nothing. It's so disheartening. And I can easily understand the frustration of many people who automatically call for gun control when these things happen. Their logic is, "no guns equals no shootings." Maybe that would be true if you could ever really round up all the guns in the country. It's doubtful you could do that when one of this Country's biggest exports is guns. But let's break this whole problem down and see what kind of solutions we can honestly come up with. I don't mean to step on anyone's toes here. I don't want to take one side and yell at everyone on the other side that they are wrong. For the sake of finding an honest solution, let's not take sides for a bit and see what we can come up with.

  First of all, there is the second amendment. We should address that issue first. The second amendment was put forth in our constitution because our Forefathers didn't trust governments.  They didn't for obvious reasons. Most of them had lived under the harsh and sometimes arbitrary whims of the monarchy of England. They also saw or experienced the same thing in other countries as well. So the second amendment was instituted as a safeguard against any government that might abuse its powers to the detriment of its own people. Guns were an insurance policy against just such a thing occurring. The question is do you trust government not to be abusive of their own people? I don't. There have been too many examples in recent history where a government rounded up everyone's guns and then began to abuse powers and kill dissidents. Sometimes by the millions.

  I know about the argument that in those days a musket might have made the difference. But with today's sophisticated weaponry in the hands of our police, homeland security, and military it will not be overcome by individuals with hunting rifles or even AR-15's. That's probably true, but it makes them think twice. So what do we do about the amendment? I personally tend to believe that our forefathers had the wisdom and forethought to really believe that that amendment was necessary. I would have a hard time going against that. But you know, that amendment has been in place for a long time. Guns have always been available in this country. Yet, these school shootings have mostly just happened in recent times. So, what has changed? Why now?

  Just about everyone I know had some sort of hunting rifle or shotgun in their home when I was young. Many adults and teens carried around shotguns in gun racks in the back of their trucks here in Texas. And there were fights and breakups with girlfriends back in my day as a youngster. But no one, went out to their truck and came back and started shooting up the whole place. It didn't happen. I'm sixty-nine years old. My school days were a long time ago. But even after that, it was different for a long time. I spent four years in the Army and then went to College for four years. During the eighties, I was divorced and began working in nightclubs as a bouncer to make a little extra money. I did that for several years. I broke up a lot of fights during that time. Drunks often threatened to go get a gun and come back and shoot me. But they never did. They also threatened to stab me, run over me with their car, set me on fire, etc. But they never did that either.

  So, what's changed? It's not the availability of guns or any kind of weapon for that matter. People have changed. It's not the fact that some people are mentally ill and not getting treatment. That was true back then, too. So, what is it? How have we changed as a nation? I can suggest some obvious changes that I've seen over the years that to me raise red flags. The first being the fact that our parenting methods have changed. And it's not only the lack of discipline at work here. Take away discipline at home and at school and add that to the fact that back when I was growing up, at least one parent was usually at home raising and in charge of their kid's behavior. When women entered the workforce in droves, those dynamics changed. I see that as the beginning of the problem. And no, I know we can't put that genie back in the bottle. The fact is, our kids are being raised now by strangers. And those strangers have their hands tied when it comes to discipline. 

  Another dynamic that has changed is we have become more and more a secular nation. People are turning away from traditional religion and God by droves. We could argue all day about the validity of religion and it's role in society and never get anywhere. I won't do that here. I'm just pointing out that this, too, is another one of those dynamics that changed and seems to be impacting society in a negative way. In my day, we knew all our neighbors and it was safe to leave your door unlocked and for the kids to walk or ride bikes to school even if it were miles away. Not today. Nuclear families don't even know the people living next door to them and don't want to. The old sense of community where neighbors helped neighbors and saw each other regularly in church and on the job is gone. Even small towns aren't safe anymore, and cities have become nightmares.

  Okay,  here comes the biggie. Media. Mass Media that's ever-present in your face 24/7. Add to that social media and you've got a recipe for stirring the kettle to a boil in a very big hurry. A kettle that maybe used to simmer until the flames went out, now boils over in minutes due to constant fanning of the flames. There's no way I can see to put that genie back in the bottle either.

  There's one other dynamic I want to mention. And I know that most of you are not tuned in to this sort of thing. Or you treat it the way Mass Media tells you to and laugh it off as a crazy conspiracy theory. I would too. I want to. But it just keeps happening again and again. I've seen the smoke and I expect there's enough there to suspect a fire. Our own FBI seems to have an agenda different from what you would expect them to have in all this. Many times they are warned that individuals need to be watched. And they do. They discover that they have caches of weapons and have maybe made comments to their friends and families that are alarming. Not only does the FBI do nothing but watch, leakers have suggested that they knew and even encouraged those disturbed individuals to act on their threats. Very rich and powerful men run this country from the shadows. A coup took place when Kennedy was assassinated and some of those thugs are still running things. I have a bad feeling that their agenda is to get rid of the second amendment and then clamp down hard on us. We have seen lately how corrupt the FBI and CIA can be and that it may be used as an arm of whoever is pulling the strings. If this conspiracy theory proves to be valid, I don't know how we fight that. I know most of you think that is all silliness. Maybe. You could be right. But keep your eyes and ears open. And don't believe for a minute everything the Main Stream Media tells you. They are no longer news and journalists agencies. They are the propaganda branch of our government. Yes both sides, right and left. Our government wants us at each other's throats. When we are, we're not breathing down their corrupt/evil necks. Of this, I have no doubt.

  So how do we fix the problem? How do we make the school shootings stop? If it's some big government scheme to move public sentiment in the direction of abolishing the second amendment and putting their bootheel more firmly on our necks - the answer is we don't. We will see more, not less until their goal is accomplished. I hate to be so negative in this, but there it is. They have all the tools in place with MSM and Social Media. Unless we pull the plug on them, I don't see any other outcome. And I don't see anyone crusading to pull the plug on them.

  There are stopgap measures we can take. Some of our returning military men would make good armed security guards at every entrance to public school buildings. Some have gone so far as suggesting we arm the teachers. I wouldn't go that far. Entry points into schools should be looked at and minimized down to just one where possible. And that point should be guarded. 

  Another thing we might do is begin to move away from public school in favor of homeschooling. With today's technology, virtual school rooms might not be so bad. If I had young kids today, they would definitely be homeschooled. Of course, homeschooling works best if it's monitored. Someone has to be there with the kids. Retired grandparents could be paid an additional amount on their social security if they take on such a role.

  Mental illness definitely needs to be better addressed in this country. That almost goes without saying. Throwing drugs at every quirk does not seem to be the answer. In fact, it seems to be contributing to the problem. 

  Drugs is another factor that needs to be dealt with honestly. I'm appalled by the attitude of most of the people I know, especially those younger than forty when it comes to drugs when used for other than medicinal purposes. Almost everyone I know would be getting high all the time if it weren't for random drug screens on their jobs. What does that say about our society? With the illegal drug culture in our present society, crime and violence just go hand and hand. The drug problem is another of those dynamics that may be having a big impact on violence everywhere, not just in schools. 

 So, in conclusion, are school shootings a solvable problem that we can just magically make disappear by passing a no gun law? I sadly, feel that it's highly unlikely and probably unwise. I'm very afraid that the day we pass a no gun law in this country and manage to confiscate most of what the public already has will be the day when we see our government's true colors. That will be the day you will finally know without a doubt that democracy died a long time ago and something evil this way comes out of the shadows. So, our best bet is not to work toward a world with no guns (never gonna happen - THEY will still have theirs). Instead, we should focus on making our kids safe in a world that has guns and plenty of crazy people willing to use them. I pray fervently and grieve for the many victims of these tragedies already. And I continue to pray that we will somehow come to a successful arrangement that prevents all future catastrophes such as these recent school shootings from ever happening again. It is after all, what we all want.

   

       

The Godless Paradox 

  Don't look now but they are doing it again. All along the Bible told us that the Universe had a beginning. But scientists said no, that it was infinite and therefore needed no creator. Then they discovered background radiation that seemed to point to a Big Bang or, in other words, a universe with a beginning just as the Bible said. This was a big problem for them. So they started coming up with totally ridiculous ways the universe could create itself out of nothing. And people bought it because, after all, it was brilliant scientists who were telling them these lies.
  They had the same problem with the origin of life as well. So now they've postulated this equally ridiculous notion of the multiverse where there is an infinite number of universes and an infinite number of possible conditions and we just happen to be on the one possible Earth where those conditions were just right for us to spring up from inanimate matter. Of course, they admit that there is no way for anyone to ever observe or test that theory. Perfect for their purposes. And now they are insidiously inserting the notion of a multiverse everywhere. It pops up in TV comedies like "The Big Bang Theory". On shows like "Supergirl". I've seen it play a part in many sci-fi movies. And even being expressed in some of Marvel's Superhero movies. Once they make it a commonplace notion by repeating it over and over again, they will start teaching it as fact rather than outrageous theory. And people will believe it.
  I don't know what took them so long to come up with this one? My brother and I, when we were very young, used to sit outside on a warm summer night and look up at the stars wondering what was out there. Big giant aliens playing marbles with our universe was one we came up with. Another was millions of universes like soap bubbles bumping up against one another. Hey, as kids, we had very vivid imaginations. We even wondered if it were not all just a grand illusion and not real at all. This is apparently what "scientists" are doing now. And it wasn't science when my brother and I were speculating about it. And it's not science now when they do it either. They will go to any length to get around the notion of God. Why are they so afraid of God? Why do they fear accountability for their own actions so much? Is it because all they do and think always is evil? Apparently so.
  Oh, yes, they will get on their soapbox when confronted and claim that they can be moral without a God to compel them. But is that really true? All you need do is take a look around the world today, and it is plain to see what happens when you take God out of the equation. Now don’t get me wrong, I love science fiction. And I’m perfectly willing to suspend what I know to be true for the sake of a good old-fashioned science fiction thriller. “Education’s purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.” – Malcolm Forbes. I agree with Mr. Forbes on this one. Science fiction has always been an excellent way to achieve such a goal. For the most part, however, our current education system fails miserably at this. Instead, they take an empty mind and fill it with mush.
  Just when did our Main Stream Media become the propaganda arm of the Government and our education system become the “re-education” or brainwashing arm of the Government? Like I said, they do these things insidiously, one small step at a time until it is accepted as the norm. So, beware my friends. It’s happening again right in front of your eyes. And their whole purpose is to rid mankind of the notion of a creator God.
  Just ask yourself why it is so important to them to do so? Without God, the universe has no meaning or purpose. What’s worse is no morality, no good or evil, and no consequences for anyone’s actions. In such a world, only the most powerful will determine what is good or what is not. Do you trust them to make the right choices? Can you even stand and say what is a “right” choice? When right is only determined by the whim of an all-powerful world government or world dictator. I for one don’t even want to think about living in such a world. And it scares me to no end to see so many people advocating for just that.

When the World Closes In

  A few days ago, I was sitting on the dock of the bay doing my boring twelve-hour a day shift. It had been over twenty days since I had a full day off from work. We only had me and my boss working there with him on the night shift and me on the day shift. The hours became excruciating a long time ago. People keep saying, “Yeah, but think of all the money you’re making.” What they don’t understand is, I don’t care about money. I took the job in the first place because it was supposed to be a part-time job just to make a little extra spending money. After the first year, it turned into a full-time job. I wanted to quit, but I felt like I was locked into it. We couldn’t even find anyone that would agree to be a backup for us in case one of us got sick. So, there I was, stuck like Chuck. I had to work through the Thanksgiving holidays even. It was the last place I wanted to be.

  Finally, the last ship left and we were told we would probably have a week and a half off. Free at last! I had a couple of obligations to take care of the first part of the week. But when Wednesday came, I packed and bag and hit the highway. I needed a change of scenery so badly. It felt good to be driving down the highway. I made a reservation for a motel room in Breaux Bridge, La. I didn’t want to be a burden to anybody. And it was great to be somewhere that had a nice, hot shower as our house doesn’t yet have one since the flood. It was a dreary day when I got to Breaux Bridge. Off and on rain and very cloudy seemed to want to dampen my mood. But after lunch, I paid a visit to my Aunt Bea (short for Ruby). She’s still a beautiful soul and young at heart. She was always the one all of us kids wanted to be around when we were young. I still feel that now from her. She was like a kid magnet. And even though I’m far from being a kid anymore, I still feel that when I’m with her. Two of her daughters were there too. And we had a wonderful visit. The time passed so quickly, and I knew everyone was tired and hungry, except me. I felt like I could have talked to them all night. There were so many things we didn’t get to talk about. But still, when I left there, it felt like my batteries had been recharged. Forgotten were all those long empty days of work.

  I slept really good that night for a change. I didn’t wake up until eight in the morning. Five minutes after I woke up, an old family friend called and invited me to breakfast. It was so good to visit with Shasa Perez that morning. The time again seemed to fly by, and things were left unsaid. Shasa touched my soul in her kindness and with her kindred spirit. It left me a little sad that someone who could have been a great friend all these years was left completely out of my life. But these things happen. She’s not the only one. People get so involved in their own lives and dramas, that they don’t make room for many who could have impacted them so much along the way. Such is life.

  Anyway, after I got back to my motel room, it was time to make a decision. I have a friend who lives in Baton Rouge whom I’ve only talked to on the internet for many years now. He’s always inviting me to come visit, but something always seems to stop that from happening. This time was no different. I texted him and asked if he was working. I sat there waiting for a reply for a good while but got none (until it was too late). So, I assumed he was at work. Plan “B” was to head for Arkansas and visit my cousins up there. So plan B it was. I packed up my things and headed out the door. When I opened the door, I could hardly believe it. The clouds were all gone and it was a beautiful, bright sunshiny day. Perfect weather for a road trip.

  I got in the car and headed back to Lafayette. I was going to take I49 up to Alexandria and then head north from there on 167 to Monroe and then 425 from there on up to Monticello, Ark. But when I got to the cutoff to take I49, I couldn’t make myself turn and head that way. I don’t know why. I just wasn’t meant to be. So, I just kept heading towards home.

  From Lafayette to Lake Charles there was a lot of traffic on Interstate 10. I put the cruise control on and stayed in the right lane. I turned the radio on, but it kept fading in and out. I preferred silence over the noise, so I turned it off again. The only problem is the noise in my head would not go away so easily. Sometimes, when I’m alone on a long trip like that with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company, it’s not a good thing. The world and my past start closing in on me. If you’ve read my blog before and my poetry page, you know that Despair and I aren’t exactly strangers. I do battle with it from time to time. To be sure, my faith in God always sees me through and safely to the other side. But even though I know Jesus is there walking through that terrible valley with me, it doesn’t mean I don’t have to go there and fight my way through. I don’t know how many miles I drove with tears rolling down my cheeks. I reminded me of my grandfather who always used to cry when we were loading up the car to go home after a long visit to Breaux Bridge. He always said he was afraid he would never see us again. That part’s not me. I know I will see him and all my loved ones in the next life. I guess what makes me so lonely and vulnerable to these emotions is that so many of those loved ones have already gone ahead of me. You say it’s part of growing old. That may be true. And that may be making it worse now. But it seems I’ve been wrestling this particular foe, most of my life. There’s always been this great dark place deep inside that wants to pull me down and rip me to shreds. Almost as though I’m the abomination that should not exist. It’s that part of me that keeps me from letting people in. And it’s that part of me that people tend to run from when they start sensing that there is a wall there that they may never see behind.

  But, what gets me through these bouts with my old nemesis is always my love for those that are still here with me. Aunt Bea, Elaine, Diane, and Shasa were the wind in my sails pushing me from one dark shore to the other. My daughter waiting here at home and my friends from my little church were my North Star that kept me from getting lost along the way. In the end, all we have to keep us on the right path through this terrible abyss we are all sailing through is our loved ones - both here and those that have gone ahead. But ultimately, the only reason I’m even close to being a sane person is that I made Jesus the captain of my ship a long time ago. So, when the world starts to close in on you, put your hand out and take hold of Jesus’ hand. And also draw on the love of your friends and family to make you stronger so you won’t lose your grip or your way. My mistake was trying to travel alone. I don’t recommend it.