Dusting off old Memories

                                 

                                             Rob's Poetry Page

It's sometimes difficult to be creative considering my circumstances. Life can be just too hard and so unfair. One thing being in the Army taught me was that no matter what, you push on. When you think you can't lift your leg and put one foot in front of another somehow you do. And you keep going. It's a lesson that has gotten me this far in life. And I will push on. But where the flesh is capable, sometimes the mind doesn't want to follow. My mind lately is in a fog giving my old nemesis, Despair, every opportunity to raise his ugly head. So, what might pour out of my besieged imaginings and spill onto this page may not be fit for all to read. So, for now, I may just hearken back to the days when creativity in me took the form of poetry. And feeble as my verse might be, I will share some of that with you instead. After all, it mostly has never seen the light of day. So what better time and place to air some of it out? So this is just me filling up space and dusting off old memories. I hope you don't hold it against me.

This first one is an old one written when my mind was questioning everything about the universe. I did a lot of meditating back then and turned my mind loose to explore. This was just my attempt to explain my frustration with not finding the answers.

             Of This Time
Of this time here in this place.
Of this world amid this space.
Of this system in the universe
Maybe not the better; maybe the worse.
My mind stretching past the limits of me
My thoughts bouncing off the walls of eternity
Only to echo softly about the great within,
Back and forth, across, out, and up again.
Through the depths my lone shadow cast
Witnessing shimmerings of the past.
Dice being thrown are never revoked,
The future, always hidden, heavily cloaked.
The essence of my being is of the now
But, hopefully, enduring forever somehow.
I can't explain the things that are
Though my mind followed truth from star to star.
The answers eluded me out in the void;
Every trick I used it too employed.
Leaving me here so cold and alone,
Like a lonely planet with its life force gone.

This next one was written on a Monday...go figure. My job back then was boring and mindless. This is an example of crazy thoughts that go through your head sometimes but never get out there.

             Monday Drab
Rainy day. Monday.
Now, like all the rest,
I can't find the will to go out
And do what I know I must;
Plod along like some mindless
Soldier - right, left, right, left,
Keep in step, sing in tune,
Can't afford to drive my car
In the middle of June.
Gas supply is short these days.
But so is life, my patience, my temper.
Bear-like prowling in the back of my mind
An idea is restless and wants to get out
And spring full blown into the light
With outrage and passion pouncing
On the first hapless person passing by.
Shaking them and screaming in their face
Be brave, be true, be different!
But, alas, I plod like all the rest
My face like theirs turning plastic
And Monday drab.

This one is obvious but written a long time ago...

                         Resurrection
When the night comes creeping in my ears,
I feel your cries and see your tears.
Death I know stands at your side
The pain in me, I cannot hide.
You were the sunshine of my days
Now I stumble through the haze.
My mind a prisoner in my head
Does battle with ravenous dread.
I cannot escape the things I know
They tear me asunder but never show.
With your touch you made me live
Leaving me now - nothing left to give.
My hands stretch in a heavenly direction
Begging God for your resurrection.


This one was written one day in school when I was thinking back on my days in the Republic of Panama. I was working full time and going to college full time. My family was stressed, to say the least. I think I already knew back then that the bad days would come.

            Mornings in Panama

Peddlers sing from behind their pushcarts

Of fresh fish and cheap avocados

To women with baskets tied to ropes

Lowered down from lofty balconies,

Hung with the clean morning wash,

To the ancient cobblestones below.

Cooking smells waft on the breeze,

Mingled with the stench of dirty streets,

Rising with the heat from a tropical sun.

Humidity, like an anaconda, attacks

Trying to squeeze out every breath.

You just laid there naked and sweating,

Unsatisfied, wanting all that I had to give.

And I, lying beside you, sweating and thinking

That nothing in the world is ever complete.

Lying beside you watching your silent tears,

And not understanding at all what they meant.

I remember always hearing a woman, 

Shouting from a downstairs balcony,

Unsatisfied, Haggling with the fishmonger.

Her voice echoing between the buildings

Forever, like the sound of broken promises.

During one of my low points (there have been many), I was feeling particularly broken. Looking back, I was trying to put my finger on where it all went wrong. Yeah, what I saw wasn't pretty.

Broken Man

Just where did my life go
When my love slipped away?
How did a young man
Finally, end up this way?
Always looking back
To see what wasn’t there.
What was my biggest lack
That led to such despair?
Perhaps did I walk
When I should have ran,
Back when I was just
A naïve young man?
Surely I certainly must
Have done things wrong
Whenever I was just
Living according to plan.
Where did my love go
That made me who I am.
Maybe she would know
How to fix a broken man.

But...
Memory of her voice fades
My mind’s visage blurred.
Loss that hurts and degrades
Whispers no longer heard.
Even hope of fixing
Such a broken man
Is quickly mixing
With the hourglass’
Rapidly dwindling sand.
Each moment that passes
Threatens to be the last
In the long sad story
Of a very broken man.

This next one was written on New Year's Eve. I was feeling old and closer to the end of my life than the beginning. Looking back on all my cherished memories, it was like seeing a succession of black and white photos that only loosely defined my whole life.

The New Year
The future too quickly becomes the past,
Days march relentlessly towards the last.
Our lives bleeding out tiny drop by drop,
Dawning awareness can’t make it stop.
With the New Year, you can’t help but see
That, for us, forever was not meant to be.
Time doled out in the smallest measure
Like pirate’s gold a squandered treasure.
The best of it wasted on foolish things,
Youth prodded forward by its stings.
Oblivious of the glass and flowing sand,
Too late we all try to make our stand.
Hopelessly fighting with our last breath,
Vainly struggling against inevitable death.
No wonder autumn prays for hereafters,
Lifting trembling voices to the rafters.
Wiser on this first day of the New Year,
To face inevitable with no hint of fear.
And behold each moment that remains
Like cherished photos in golden frames.

This next one was written while listening to 50s and 60s music on the radio feeling nostalgic and longing for a dance partner who would not give up on me or die on me.

Dance With Me

Dancing on a banana peel at the edge of the world

While life keeps spinning past like a candy cane swirl.

Dance with me, dance with me, until the end of time.

Hold my hand like you mean it; say you’ll be mine.

With your head on my shoulder in a tender embrace,

Dance with me the next step to a whole different place

Where all love is eternal knowing nothing of ends.

And impassioned lovers are more than just friends.

Dance with me, dance with me, and hold on tight

Two steps then three spinning until we see the light

Of a new dawning day simple as it was meant to be

Oh, won’t you please have this little dance with me?

So that when the music stops two lovers now one,

Smile and bow together towards the new rising sun.

Dance with me, dance with me, help set my soul free,

That we might dance together throughout all eternity.

I know that some of my poetry is rather dark and depressing these days. I apologize for that. But with so very little light shining in your soul, it is hard to create anything else. Anything sweet and uplifting just rings hollow to my ear these days and get's thrown in the trash. Maybe someday that will change, and I will be able to share it with you here. That is my prayer. But for now...this is what comes out. This next one is a sonnet...when was the last time you saw one of those?

When Lonely and Afraid (A Pair of Sonnets)

When lonely, afraid, and miserably down

 So very hard to make the end of the day.

 Going about with only a hint of a frown,

 False cheer in my words; the usual way

To disguise the cruelty of such a fate.

 Motivation? Yes, it’s somewhere about.

 But it’s making itself scarce of late.

 And all I want to do is cry and shout

 Against such a preposterous enterprise

Of Life bereft of any purposeful goals.

Sadness stares from red-rimmed eyes

Caused by raw hurt of separated souls.

Wilted flowers in a vase focus the room

A stark photo with no need for a zoom.

                         

                          But

God in his wisdom teaches with signs.

Even the darkest and loneliest night

Won’t forever torment sleepless minds

For it always gives way to the light.

Morning glories open hopefully and full

Of sweet nectar and aromatic perfume

Dissipating dreams, leaving me to mull

Over thoughts that linger in a silent room

Like ghosts who came but didn’t stay,

Leaving me to wonder why I should

Go on feeling confused and lost this way.

When it’s better by far, if only I could,

Embrace the golden light and feel the love

That God and she pour daily from above.

This one mostly came in my head while a new girlfriend and I were sitting on my sofa watching a movie together. I was debating with myself as to whether or not I should give love one more chance. And decided the debate was a little too late because I had already fallen. Have no fear, it didn't last long and it was my last.

               Do We Dare?

The ceiling fan is turning slowly about

You can see the space between the blades.

My life’s undramatic moments play out

Behind the drawn and darkened shades.

The clock ticking louder than it should be

Suddenly almost seems to freeze

When memories are here with me.

Then like a sudden summer breeze

That unexpectedly rustles past

Wafting pleasantly through the air

Quickly gone as it came - way too fast

Without even a hint of remorse or care.

Leaves me faced with the same possibility.

And those questions just hanging there.

Unasked but paramount for you and me.

Could we? Should we? Do we dare?

Staring deeply into lonely blue eyes,

I forget too soon about tempting fate

Therein, I realize the problem lies.

I think it may already be too late.

As I hear the clock’s next sounds

This time even louder than before.

Love’s already on the grounds

And won’t be denied the door.

Ok...this next one is a song or a hymn actually. Poetic in a way I guess but meant to be sung. Hope you poetry fans don't mind me including it here.

Secrets Across Your Heart

In the still of a quiet night,              

When the sky is starry dark              

And the moon is shining bright,       

A soft song like a distant lark,         

Writes secrets across your heart.     

Can you see it, can you hear          

What is meant to be your part?          

Does your mind feel it near             

The spirit that’s everywhere?          

Do you dare turn away your face        

From the glory imparted there                        

Denying Him who left His trace       

Leaving you a clear cut choice.          

Or will you sing it like a psalm       

At the top of your sweet voice        

Breaking the stillness and calm       

Will you sing and sing it loudly      

The words that you were shown?      

Will you sing and sing it proudly     

So that His glory might be known   

As it was written upon your heart?    

Will you sing and sing it loudly

What was meant to be your part?     

Will you sing and sing it proudly    

Secret words that you were shown

So that His glory might be known?

Will you sing and sing it proudly

At the top of your sweet voice?

Is there really, ever really,

any other choice?    

This next one should be obvious for us Christians.

      Reborn
In my heart of hearts,
I feel you moving there
Changing all my parts
With gentle loving care
Making me out to be
The man you had in mind
Giving me ears to hear;
Opening eyes that were blind
Erasing every doubt and fear.
My future now has changed;
Exciting for me to behold
What works you have arranged.
A new life destined to unfold
According to your divine plan.
For the eternal and everlasting
Grace shed on a humble man,
Your praise I will forever sing
My Lord and new found King.
I love you Lord, and that is why
Patient, I remain for the day
When I see you above the sky
Come at last to pluck me away.

Ok, I admit it. Often my dreams aren't pretty. But in my defense I have sat and held the hands of two different women I loved with all my heart and soul, pass on into the next life. Undealt with emotions tend to be stuffed down deep inside and forgotten during the day only to come bubbling up in your dreams.

Night Terrors

Quiet time alone.

Alone time, noisy mind.

Past and future battle

For attention with present,

Kickstart emotions, deadened

On purpose, shoved down deep.

But they bubble to the surface

Unholy and alive, alive

And fighting to be heard

Or dealt with once and for all.

Not now, never, now, not again.

Walls, brick walls, thrown up fast.

How were they breached?

By a word, a stray thought,

An emotion set free by association,

A haunting song on the radio that

Caused the mortar of determination

To leach away slipping through

The breach, mind grenade exploding

A memory better left for dead.

You.  I can’t handle you

You there, not here, forever.

How? There is no how, just why.

The why unknown, unknowable.

Push and hammer to re-submerge

The bits and pieces down deep.

But memory fights back.

Love lost, love, forever love,

Strangles, holds captive

Merciless, but forgiving.

Promising peace, forever peace

And blessed sleep at last

An eternal cold dark sleep;

The only cure will come

As promised soon enough.

Meanwhile, whisperings

And tears on my pillow like

Stains from a bleeding heart

Are crimson reminders

In the brightly lit morning

Of mind terrors in the night.

Another battle waged, lost,

With nothing really gained.

No deep understanding.

Only lost forever love

And empty forever pain,

Hidden temporarily again

By the unwanted dawning

Of yet another lonesome day.

  
I know, I know...this theme is getting old. But what can I say? It's the only one that seems to inspire me lately. I've tried to write sweet and light but it always comes out sounding hollow to my ears and they get tossed.

          My Love’s Embrace
Time swirls and eddies in my mind
Jumbling fears in a frightening storm
The fabric of reality begins to unwind.
But a hallowed image begins to reform
Pulling me out of my cold sweat alarm
To a place where I feel safe and warm
Like broken glass in a bright mosaic
A sharp command; each piece obeys it.
The assembled picture a familiar face.
Tugs at me, enfolds me in an embrace.
All time stands still in a frozen moment
With me where I belong in your arms.
My personal angel, you are heaven-sent.
Fear vanquished by your many charms.
But all time and storms must move on,
The dark clouds fade leaving me alone.
Sad happy tears rolling down my face,
My soul filled by love's ghostly embrace.


This one I wrote 04/23/2017 while at work sitting in a van doing nothing but being bored. It's not one of my better ones, but I decided to stick it here anyway just to save it. And the debate goes on.

  To Love Again
How far would I go?
Would I run willy-nilly,
Or should I take it slow?
Would I act all silly,
Or be her steady friend?
Just how far should I go
If I want to feel it again?
Would I look into her eyes,
Searching to find her heart,
Comfort her when she cries
And swear never to part?
Or should I never again say
The words I long to hear?
"I love you in every way."
Could I say it without fear?
Or best to have loved and lost
Than to risk the awful pain
And not to count the cost
Of more love spent in vain?
A long history of pains
Defeats before I even start
Unable to let go the reins
And set free my lonely heart.
Desire to love once more
Is killing me slowly inside.
My love's ends from before
Say my heart, too, has died.
Yet I want to feel it all again;
Resuscitate to bring new life
To a loveless heart's domain.
Casting out fears and strife, 
I know is what's called for.
But just how far would I go,
And dare I hope once more?
And should I even wish to be?
Risking it all to make it so?
Is it even still possible for me?
Heart aside, my mind says no.

Yeah, well, this next one needs no explanation. Sometimes my nemesis, Despair, gets the better of me.

            Winter of Despair

Sadness like raindrops dripping

Off of plastic flowers in a cemetery

Seeps into the ground of despair

Drenching every inch of my soul.

Feeling sluggish and unaware

I slither through time like an

Unambitious snake starving for

Encouragement but denied it.

And I remain resigned to my fate

Curled in a corner hissing warnings

At anyone who might come near

Stay away, you must stand clear.

No matter your good intentions;

The cold reptilian heart that beats

Slowly within a constricted breast

While eyes grow gray and dim,

Welcoming the lonely darkness

Like a tattered and worn blanket

On a cold, endless, winter night.
Embracing a miserable lonely fate
Wishing I could just hibernate
With no hope of a warming sun.



This next one came to me while I was at work, sitting in a van watching it rain. It took me about 5 minutes to write this one. And just for the record, these things plus the love of God did work for me.

Letting Go
Letting go of the pain,

Coming in out of the rain;
The journey begins
With an inch, not a mile,
With hope and friends,
You relearn to smile.
Reclaim your life
And your stolen past.
That's how it begins,
You must make it last.
Find your way into light,
Cast out night and dark,
Even with all your might
Unchain your broken heart.
Learn to love again -
The only way to come
Back out of the rain,
For all, not just some.
It is the only way to be free.
Now if it will only work for me.

I wrote this next one at work today (06/18/2017) when I was submerged in a reverie of a love I lost a long time ago. You know...on of those "what could have been" moments that us old folks fall into from time to time. I jotted down just a few squiggles on the back of one of our sign out sheets that turned into this when I got home....It's rough and needs work...but at least it will be here when/if I ever get in the mood to tackle it and polish it up a bit. This particular fish had a name, and her name was Nelwyn.

The One That Got Away
Love like a slippery fish

That you’ve grasped with both hands

Lays there a moment gasping for air,

Sparkling in the bright sunlight,

Looking at you with knowing eyes

As you take in the sheer beauty of it.

And for one quick moment,

As your eyes meet, you fall

Into an eternity of fiery passion

Feeling both primal and complete

In a timeless space between one

Heartbeat and the thud of the next.

When suddenly it wriggles and escapes

Through your reluctant fingers

That hesitated for only a moment

To pull the trigger of commitment,

And it dives back into the depths,

Disappearing before you can even blink.

Your soul cries out betrayed and alone,

Knowing you only had one chance.

But now you’ve missed destiny

And missed out on perfect bliss

With only yourself to blame,

Leaving you forever longing

For the one that got away.

                    Getting There

Sometimes it seems a roller coaster ride

Is what my life has always been

But looking back from the far side

A roller coaster wasn’t quite the thing.

An old jalopy was more the mode

As I careened between the ditches

Bouncing around from the potholes

Steering only by knee-jerk twitches

I somehow achieved all my goals.

I loved deeply, and I still do.

My two children made me proud,

And I wrote the books that I knew

Would be quiet births; not so loud,

But would say all that I had to say.

And as the sunlight begins to dim,

I look back on a ride that was so rough,

Yet, amazed I don’t regret a single thing

It was what it was – It was enough.

Left now is just for the fat lady to sing.

I am comfortable in my destination;

Getting there was always half the fun.

Happy with my mode of transportation,
I hold on tight for the road I still must run.
Heads up, hold on, look out, here I come,
Despite the bumps, I'm on my way home.

This poem was written with my Mom in mind as she dwindled in her final year. It made me so very sad to see her that way. And so very afraid of a similar fate for me.

          Dementia

In the towering darkness

A fled that won’t be flown

A dread that won’t regress

And a gone that won’t come home

In the brilliant sunlight

A shine that can’t erase

A battle too weary to fight

And a walk too tired to chase

After a dream in the moonlight

A whisper from who you are

A prayer sent up at night

And a single step that went too far.

In the simple part of day,

A pleading not to go,

A sorry that went away

And a known that doesn’t know.

From January to December too

I will always remember you.

I will always remember you.

Oh well, this next one was a feeble attempt at writing something not quite so depressing. 

           Dance of Love
Dance with me a sweet love song
Sway to the music and sing along.
Move your feet with the beat
Whisper something soft and sweet
I wanna know who you really are
You know I’ve admired you from afar
Like a magnet, you drew me near
My trembling heart is filled with fear
You’ll say it’s funny the way he dances
Or make light of my circumstances
Can you feel my heart pounding?
Yes, I know how this is sounding
You must think such fear absurd
But I must beg for the last word
The presence of beauty so profound
Causes confidence to abscond.
But if you allow this man a chance
In the space of a single dance
To show you who I can be
Open your heart to the possibility
Of a future so filled with love
Expanding out to the stars above
Dance with me a sweet love song
Hold me close before the moment's gone.


Keepsake was written when I was just bored. Being retired is awesome, but also can get tedious at times. This is what happens when that happens.

                      Keepsake

I have too much time on my hands

Time is one of those fickle things

That no one really understands

Past is heavy with memories it brings

And we know tomorrow never comes

They always say all we have is now

Carpe diem we celebrate in songs

But we don’t get around to it somehow

My body goes through motion all day,

But my mind never quite catches up,

Lost in the bygone and far, far, away.

Like the dregs in the bottom of my cup

Images more real than the caffeine

Swirling its way through my veins

Reminding me of the beauty I’ve seen

Like when we splashed in summer rains

Two kids laughing without any care

The sound of it echoes in my mind

Catching me up when I’m unaware

Like an old spider’s web left behind

In the corner of a fallen down shed

Shocking me back to the here and now

Memories of you fluttering in my head

Butterfly moments important somehow

More than today's, and all my tomorrows

Locked up in a keepsake box of sorrows

This next one is a common theme for me. Like many people, I struggle during the holidays with depression. I don't know why. But it's kinda like when you're playing video games - the longer you play the more and better weapons you have to fight the battle with. I have two angels in heaven now on my side. And I have a pretty good relationship with the Big Guy up there. So, it's easier now to fight the dark forces with them at my side. Hope you like this one. This one is me missing Becky during the holidays.

Holiday Battle

This same time every year                                          

I struggle with the darkness                                        

Pulling me down by the foot                                       

Into that pitch-black abyss                                           

Darker than chimney soot                                           

Leaving me trembling in fear                                      

When only one look of your blue eyes                     

Could rapture me into clear blue skies                     

But you’re no longer here                                          

To rescue me from that place                                   

No more magic saving smile                                      

Shining from your angelic face                                  

For it’s been gone too long a while                           

And now my memory slowly dies                            

Forgetful of love in those blue eyes                         

Inescapable pull on a broken heart                         

Nearly rips me from a lonely world                         

Into the nether regions of the dark                          

When He causes memory to unfurl                         

A flag of love like a glowing spark                             

Causing despair, my enemy, to depart                  

What I see there waving on a breeze I inhale       

Like a breath of wine poured from the holy grail.  

Rescued at last so now I know                                     

I have survived another year at least                    

With love renewed and faith restored                 

My heart feels ready for the feast                        

And my mind begs not to be ignored                   

Ready now to bask in the  heavenly glow                              

Of His presence and to join Him at His Holy table

With my blue-eyed love wrapped in white sable.


And this one is in remembrance of mine and Linda's first date, marriage, breakup, and then remarriage 27 years later.

           My Love’s Kisses

Kisses. Soft kisses I remember

Under the mistletoe in December.

Sparks, chemistry, fireworks galore,

Breathless, you left me wanting more.

Our first kiss, I leaned against the bell

My head swirled, and I knew I fell

So hard in love with the love of my life;

I already knew you would be my wife.

We giggled - your mom flashed the lights.

Promises of future passionate nights,

Whispering your hot desires in my ear,

Left me trembling with schoolboy fear.

When I got in my car and looked back,

I saw day after day in a perfect stack -

Each one a snowflake, perfect and unique.

I was slain - mesmerized by your mystique.

A moth to a flame, sometimes it burned

But no matter what, I always yearned

For passionate kisses at the end of night.

Even during the Bad, your kisses felt right.

For a time I missed those lips against mine

But then they were back, and all was fine

At least until that last kiss upon your brow

Echoed down through eternity somehow

Like an old church bell across the glade   

Muffled music was the sound it made

Lonely and pure through all the ages

Like tear after tear falling on pages

Now I entreat God with my wishes

To be in your arms to feel those kisses.

Patience my son, for all your days

Are few enough, for you too she prays.

When I do finally summon you home

She will be there waiting but not alone

There are many others who went before

They too await you at heaven’s door.

Oh, Lord, see me safely to that day

For this and nothing else will I pray.

The Dove was written immediately after I got the news of my sister's death. With tears in my eyes, I looked out my bedroom window and saw this dove sitting in the tree. He was making cooing noises like he was trying to comfort me, and this poem sprang full-blown into my head.
                    The Dove
One dove sitting in my backyard tree.
My, I said, I wish I could see what you see.
But alas, said I, if only I knew how to fly.
Come said the dove, it’s not hard if you try.
The world is waiting, and the sky is free.
Leap into the air and fly away with me.
So, we two leaped into the air together
Into the bluest sky and nicest weather,
Soaring over the world without a care,
I looked and joyed at what I saw down there.
It’s all so beautiful, I shouted into the wind,
But the dove cried, look, please look again.
I opened my eyes and looked closer this time;
Everything was chaotic and all out of rhyme.
People were hurting and crying out loud,
With angry faces, they came in a crowd,
Fists in the air, shouting each other down.
I’d overlooked it when I was on the ground,
But from the sky above, it was oh so clear.
There was too much pain and too much fear
In the world for my heart to even bear –
Too much hate – too much, “I don’t care!”
It sent me in a tailspin back to the world,
And I asked the dove, why it unfurled
This way since the beginning of time?
And she said because they lost the rhyme
And the harmony God sent from above,
And they just no longer believe in love.
Then must we all die to make it right?
No, said she, leave the dark for the light.
He gave you love – love conquers hate.
Fill your heart - fly with me to heaven’s gate.
Love and joy overfilled me that day.
As I watched my lonesome dove fly away.
With so much beauty and so much grace.
Happy in her goal to reach God’s embrace.


              Derailed Man
Nothing worked out the way I planned
Like a lost train, I’m a derailed man
Not sure at all which way I should go
Moving so damn fast or way too slow
My feet got tangled up in chains
Drop by drop all my blood drains
Until I’m a dusty husk the sun will dry
While all the pretty girls walk on by
I have more stripes across my soul
Than a red and white barber pole
Heart cracked like a broken mirror
I didn’t feel it when she came nearer.
But I saw her go and shake her head
Leaving me behind as already dead.
Why it went this way I don’t know
I never spent time mapping it so
Somehow the pieces fell together
A blade honed by a piece of leather
Cutting out around the edges
My strange history up it dredges
So, I ignore it just staring at the sky
While all the pretty girls walk on by
A rollercoaster ride in a lonely park
Are life’s peaks and valleys in the dark
But no longer will I ask myself why
All the pretty girls just walk on by.
Because I’ve had enough you see
Of this unmitigated catastrophe.
I’m calling an end to this lost game.
Start a new one with a new name
The pretty girl said as she walked by
What I must agree can it hurt to try
When the sound of a heart that shatters
Is heard by no one that matters
Because when it does, they are gone
And you’re left standing there alone
The pretty girls just keep walking by
Laughing at the silly tears you cry
So, name me Adam a brand-new man
Embarking today on a brand-new plan.

             Love is a Tragedy

Love? It is a tragedy of emotions;     

Wonderful and true in the light         

Expressed in whispering devotions    

And trembling fingers of delight.       

But it is often selfishly applied.          

An end to a purposeful means,         

Twisted vines that do not abide.       

Its only fruit is broken dreams           

And mangled hearts in the dust,        

Leaving a lost and wretched soul      

Forever bereft of any kind of trust,   

Shattered pieces no longer whole     

Love? It left me crying on the floor   

Crumpled up like the discarded ball  

Of paper I found lying by the door.   

Forget me, forever, and never call.     

It’s hard to forget that painful day    

But you with the kindest blue eyes   

Shooed that joyless demon away.     

No longer am I tortured by her lies   

For you revitalized and made grow   

The vine of love repairing my heart  

From its broken pieces in the glow   

Of your love that is off the chart.      

And I hear me saying forevermore    

Words I meant to never say again.   

Meaning them like never before,      

Cherishing you like summer rain.      

Love? Love is hopeful in the end
Comforting like a long-lost friend.

This next one is not (well, mostly not) the story of my life. I'm just trying something different here. Playing with a different rhyme scheme while still using familiar subject matter. 


                        Cupid Beware

As for me

I’m as happy as a sad and lonely boy can be.

For you see

I’ve loved and lost so many times before

And once more

I’m in love with this pretty girl next door.

And the two of us

Are simply doing whatever we must,

But the trust,

That history makes the most difficult part,

A miss-thrown dart

Avoids the target and hits the heart.

Right in there

It lodges itself true and painfully square

 Cupid beware!

Soft tissue in this old heart abounds,

Lonely sounds

Haunt these perpetual hardened grounds.

But this time

There Is hope for the light and the rhyme,

A guilty crime,

May steal my ghosts and put them away

On a new day
Where love will forever come to stay.

Ok, as you surely know by now, I often battle depression and despair and I have most of my life. So, these next two poems hit on that topic - one tragic and one hopeful.

        Crazy Mad Despair

Trading in my lonely despair                       

Would be the best way to go.                    

Nothing new for me there;                         

Only lonely heartache to show                  

For all the time in misery.                            

But how to step into a new day,                

Finally, to set my heart free?                     

Planning out a brand-new way                  

To live through a shattered life                 

Without living a lying dream.                                     

Betrayed memory of my wife                     

Would eat away at me it seems,               

Killing what’s left of my soul.                      

But it appears society hates                        

For anyone without a goal                           

Sitting around outside the gates               

Without bothering to go in                                                                          

One foot firmly stuck in hell                        

The other will not move again                        

Until the final tolling of the bell              

Signaling the end of it all                              

And the beginning of eternity                    

Question is will I rise or fall?                       

What is to be my final destiny?                 

I no longer know or even care.                  

As long as my sweet love is there.

            My New Love

Despair is pounding on the gate,

But I’ve learned to control that guy.

Some people say it’s just my fate.

If so, I can’t begin to figure out why.

I’ve fought him off, it seems forever,

Until my heart got good and tired.

But now I know to keep it together

So that I’m no longer hard wired

To always allow my enemy to get in.

Although, he still creeps and tries,

But today I have a special friend

Who knows how to block his lies

And can talk me back from the edge

Before any kind of damage is done.

No longer will I walk out on the ledge

Nor spend my time on the run.

Now, I laugh without a single care

No more will he make me drown.

 My love is with me everywhere,

This new love of mine I’ve found.

He protects me even when I’m bored

Because that’s when despair got in.

But you see my new love is the Lord

Who promised to be my forever friend.

So, the enemy can’t get to me now.

My Lord is my hedge of protection;

Peace and love are all He will allow.

 Blessed be my life in a new direction.

For now, I will follow Him all my days,

And I will do my best to keep His ways.

                    Paperweight

I am a stationary rock, not a rolling stone,

Hardened by the past and smoothed

By many tears that fell like torrential rain,

Flattened as by a river of relentless time

To a lump of nothingness and sublime

Presence without any kind of motivation

To move from this single lonely spot.

Just a jot on the map of the wide world

Overlooked by all who happen to pass by;

A mere nothing on the arm of the spiral,

Just a speck in all the expanding universe

Cursed by love, fate, and instant karma

Left without any excuse or devices

To redeem a heart cold and shattered.

But unlike a stone thrown into water,

I cause no ripples expanding outward.

Only reverberations keep crashing in,

Recriminations for how things have been,

Pointing fingers at my diminished self
For it was me who put me on this shelf.


This next one just sort of showed up in my head unannounced. I don't know where it came from. At least it's not about me for a change.


         The Old Farmer
Paint drying, grass growing
Time, tick……tock…….slow.
Even without knowing,
He knows how this will go.
She is long gone for now,
And yet he lingers and wastes
Away like a frozen solid plow
Left out in his forgotten haste
On a desolate lonely field
After no one came for it
And it could no longer yield;
His duty forgotten bit by bit,
The lone farmer tucked away
In his cold and lonely bed
With no strength to even pray
For the love left in his head
Was absent from his heart
Long since melted and gone
Like old snow on a sunny day.
It still chilled him to the bone.
Even in his nightly dreams,
He let it all slip from his hand
While eerie crow’s screams
Echoed across empty land,
With no one there to hear.
No one sitting by his bedside.
No one there to quell his fear.
No comfort for when he cried.
Not even a shadow came near.
No hope of harvest in the spring.
The old farmer finally died
Still clutching her wedding ring
With her picture by his side.

This next piece just started out being a Facebook post. But then I noticed things were starting to rhyme. And I let it keep on going that way. I realized it could be displayed like a normal poem, but I wanted to leave it as a conversation instead. So, what do you think? Is it poetry, or just crazy talk?


                                                        The Time Machine in My Head
The time machine, that lives in my head, always wants to go back. Always back, never ahead. But what good would it do to change the things I messed up to something new? Would it turn my world upside down? Would it make it better? Would you still be around? Would I learn all the lessons that I did? Or would new ones keep the old ones hid? Would I still be who I am now if I could go back and change it all somehow? I'm not sure, and that's the thing. My life is finally off of that up and down swing. I'm fairly content with the way things are. Now I only want to see what the future might bring. As long as it doesn't take me too far from where you might be. So the present will have to do the way it is for me. Until I finally go to sleep at last, and awake with only vague memories of some future past. Living forever in the eternal now always, love and you filling up all my golden days. So, my time machine will stay where it is - I'll lock its door and be content with my decisions forevermore.

I was tired last night after a long day of just hanging out with friends. So, my muse must have been in a more positive mode for once. This came to me just as I was about to drift off to sleep last night (10/20/2019).

        New Destination

On the deep undulating sea

Under a solid sky of gray,

In dreams, you visited me.

Then like a mist blew away,

Cruelly abandoning a soul

Who is desolate without you;

Adrift without a port or goal

A ghost ship without a crew.

But winds are clearing now,

The grayness from the sky.

And begin to point my bow,

Giving me a reason why

To fly like a pointed arrow

Aimed at the brightest star

On the straight and narrow

Leading to where you are.

No longer do I crew alone

The Master is at the wheel

He knows how far I’ve gone

And promises me to heal

My ship of forlorn estate.

Now he sails by my side

Promising never to forsake

And to always be my guide.

My sails are billowing up,

Leaving dark behind my stern

As I drink a brand new cup

And sail off to where I yearn

To come to rest and finally be

Happy with Him, you and me.

We Will Stand

How many people have to die

before you know the real reason why?

How many buildings have to

crumble and burn

before the bystanders will learn

that fake news fans the fire.

What will it take to call a liar a liar?

Or will you forever be blind

by propaganda and knee-jerk fear?

Will the truth ever become clear,

or is it too late for you now?

Will you just take a knee and bow?

With no dignity left at all,

will you just be a witness to the fall?

Sadly, it is too late for you now,

unashamed you did bow.

And we’ve all seen you take a knee

and bow down to the enemy.

With no hope left in our chest

that you won’t abandon all the rest.

We won’t shed tears for your loss

We will stand at all costs

Filling in the gaps that you leave

We will fight to achieve

liberty and a home for the free

as our forefathers meant this great

country to be.