When the World Closes In
A few days ago, I was sitting on the dock of the bay doing my boring twelve-hour a day shift. It had been over twenty days since I had a full day off from work. We only had me and my boss working there with him on the night shift and me on the day shift. The hours became excruciating a long time ago. People keep saying, “Yeah, but think of all the money you’re making.” What they don’t understand is, I don’t care about money. I took the job in the first place because it was supposed to be a part-time job just to make a little extra spending money. After the first year, it turned into a full-time job. I wanted to quit, but I felt like I was locked into it. We couldn’t even find anyone that would agree to be a backup for us in case one of us got sick. So, there I was, stuck like Chuck. I had to work through the Thanksgiving holidays even. It was the last place I wanted to be.
Finally, the last ship left and we were told we would probably have a week and a half off. Free at last! I had a couple of obligations to take care of the first part of the week. But when Wednesday came, I packed and bag and hit the highway. I needed a change of scenery so badly. It felt good to be driving down the highway. I made a reservation for a motel room in Breaux Bridge, La. I didn’t want to be a burden to anybody. And it was great to be somewhere that had a nice, hot shower as our house doesn’t yet have one since the flood. It was a dreary day when I got to Breaux Bridge. Off and on rain and very cloudy seemed to want to dampen my mood. But after lunch, I paid a visit to my Aunt Bea (short for Ruby). She’s still a beautiful soul and young at heart. She was always the one all of us kids wanted to be around when we were young. I still feel that now from her. She was like a kid magnet. And even though I’m far from being a kid anymore, I still feel that when I’m with her. Two of her daughters were there too. And we had a wonderful visit. The time passed so quickly, and I knew everyone was tired and hungry, except me. I felt like I could have talked to them all night. There were so many things we didn’t get to talk about. But still, when I left there, it felt like my batteries had been recharged. Forgotten were all those long empty days of work.
I slept really good that night for a change. I didn’t wake up until eight in the morning. Five minutes after I woke up, an old family friend called and invited me to breakfast. It was so good to visit with Shasa Perez that morning. The time again seemed to fly by, and things were left unsaid. Shasa touched my soul in her kindness and with her kindred spirit. It left me a little sad that someone who could have been a great friend all these years was left completely out of my life. But these things happen. She’s not the only one. People get so involved in their own lives and dramas, that they don’t make room for many who could have impacted them so much along the way. Such is life.
Anyway, after I got back to my motel room, it was time to make a decision. I have a friend who lives in Baton Rouge whom I’ve only talked to on the internet for many years now. He’s always inviting me to come visit, but something always seems to stop that from happening. This time was no different. I texted him and asked if he was working. I sat there waiting for a reply for a good while but got none (until it was too late). So, I assumed he was at work. Plan “B” was to head for Arkansas and visit my cousins up there. So plan B it was. I packed up my things and headed out the door. When I opened the door, I could hardly believe it. The clouds were all gone and it was a beautiful, bright sunshiny day. Perfect weather for a road trip.
I got in the car and headed back to Lafayette. I was going to take I49 up to Alexandria and then head north from there on 167 to Monroe and then 425 from there on up to Monticello, Ark. But when I got to the cutoff to take I49, I couldn’t make myself turn and head that way. I don’t know why. I just wasn’t meant to be. So, I just kept heading towards home.
From Lafayette to Lake Charles there was a lot of traffic on Interstate 10. I put the cruise control on and stayed in the right lane. I turned the radio on, but it kept fading in and out. I preferred silence over the noise, so I turned it off again. The only problem is the noise in my head would not go away so easily. Sometimes, when I’m alone on a long trip like that with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company, it’s not a good thing. The world and my past start closing in on me. If you’ve read my blog before and my poetry page, you know that Despair and I aren’t exactly strangers. I do battle with it from time to time. To be sure, my faith in God always sees me through and safely to the other side. But even though I know Jesus is there walking through that terrible valley with me, it doesn’t mean I don’t have to go there and fight my way through. I don’t know how many miles I drove with tears rolling down my cheeks. I reminded me of my grandfather who always used to cry when we were loading up the car to go home after a long visit to Breaux Bridge. He always said he was afraid he would never see us again. That part’s not me. I know I will see him and all my loved ones in the next life. I guess what makes me so lonely and vulnerable to these emotions is that so many of those loved ones have already gone ahead of me. You say it’s part of growing old. That may be true. And that may be making it worse now. But it seems I’ve been wrestling this particular foe, most of my life. There’s always been this great dark place deep inside that wants to pull me down and rip me to shreds. Almost as though I’m the abomination that should not exist. It’s that part of me that keeps me from letting people in. And it’s that part of me that people tend to run from when they start sensing that there is a wall there that they may never see behind.
But, what gets me through these bouts with my old nemesis is always my love for those that are still here with me. Aunt Bea, Elaine, Diane, and Shasa were the wind in my sails pushing me from one dark shore to the other. My daughter waiting here at home and my friends from my little church were my North Star that kept me from getting lost along the way. In the end, all we have to keep us on the right path through this terrible abyss we are all sailing through is our loved ones - both here and those that have gone ahead. But ultimately, the only reason I’m even close to being a sane person is that I made Jesus the captain of my ship a long time ago. So, when the world starts to close in on you, put your hand out and take hold of Jesus’ hand. And also draw on the love of your friends and family to make you stronger so you won’t lose your grip or your way. My mistake was trying to travel alone. I don’t recommend it.
