Obligated to Explain My Own
 Crisis of Faith

  There are usually two times when you experience a crisis in faith. The first is when you first realize that it is all you can do to find meaning in life. You must choose to live by faith alone. The universe is not set up for you to be able to know without a doubt all its truths. And let me make it clear that I’m not just talking about religious faith here. Either way, you go is going to require a leap of faith. You cannot unequivocally know without a doubt that there is no God, and neither can you know without a doubt that there is. God set it up that way on purpose so you would have to choose to love him by faith that he exists without the proof of it. To believe the opposite requires faith as well. No, science has no way to prove there is no God no matter how much they wish it to be so. When I finally had to admit to that fact is when I had my first crisis of faith. I had put all my faith into believing that science could show me the way and the truth about life. And that I personally could come to that knowledge via my own intellect. I was devastated when I was proven wrong. I could not get there on my own. And science, with all their accumulated intellects, could not get there either.

  Of course, I could have done like so many others do and just refused to think about it anymore. I could have submerged myself in day-to-day things and forgotten about the meaning of life or worry about whether there was a creator of everything. Well, theoretically I could have done that anyway. But I guess I’m just not that person. For several months, I was in crisis mode. I felt like I had come unglued from reality. So, I had to go that extra mile no matter how hard it seemed to me at the time.

  You see, all my Christian friends had always quoted John 3:16 to me and assured me that all I needed was to have faith. To me that was nonsense. How could you have faith in something that you had already established you didn’t believe without proof. And, furthermore, how could I have faith when I had already discovered there was no proof forthcoming and there may never be any proof. Not possible, my mind screamed at me. I had read the Bible and many other religious teachings. I knew what they said was required to have faith. But I didn’t know how to do that. I was so conflicted at this point, that I nearly gave up on life altogether. I turned to drinking hoping to make it all go away. But it didn’t. The crisis drove me further and further into despair. And I became further and further away from any kind of resolution to the crisis I was in. After a few years of this self-destructive behavior, I ended up in the hospital not once but twice within a six-month period. My doctor told me I would die if I didn’t change my lifestyle and soon. Of course, I blamed my divorce for a lot of this. But deep down, I knew there was more to it than that. My divorce was yet another symptom and not the cause of the turmoil that was raging within me.

  I listened to my doctor, finally, and quit drinking. Shortly after that, I moved to Tennessee. In Nashville, I started watching a certain preacher on TV who had a unique perspective on the Bible. I had to do so when my wife was not around because she didn’t want to hear any of it. She had rejected religion a long time ago and was not willing to discuss it at all. But this preacher answered so many questions that I had always had about things that bothered me about the Bible. So, one day, this all came to a head for me. I couldn’t stand beating myself up about it any longer. I decided to do a little experiment (yep, old habits die hard) and just suspend the brain and engage the heart. I wanted Jesus in my life because I had seen the difference belief made in some of my friend’s lives. I wanted what they had. So, I prayed. I threw open the doorway to my heart, and I kept telling my brain to shut the hell up.

  This next bit is the part that everyone always has trouble describing. Until you experience it for yourself, you will remain skeptical. But this is how it was for me. I opened the door and He came in. No, it was not just wishful thinking and self-delusion. I’m very familiar with those things and this wasn’t it. The door didn’t just open, it burst in. Immediately, I was flooded with such a feeling of love and understanding that I found myself crying uncontrollably. There were two kinds of tears. One of complete joy that I had rediscovered Him at last. The other of sadness that it had taken me so long.  And I say rediscovered because I realized that He was there all along. And also, that I knew Him before. I was at home at last. The first part is very emotional. But then, His peace embraced me. It is a peace that washes away all your doubts and fears. It is the most powerful moment in my life. And it changed me forever.

  Was I made perfect at this moment? No way. Was my relationship perfect at this moment. No way again. Like any other human relationship it takes time and requires work in order to grow or it will wither on the vine and die. But I was patient and willing to work at it. I never wanted to be in a crisis like that again. Some people get on fire for God at this point and then burn out quickly. My walk with God has been slow and steady. I still have a long way to go.

  For many, the next crisis in faith comes when they are tested. Sometimes, it’s just the realization that you are swimming upstream while everyone else around you is going the other way. Peer pressure can be a terrible thing. Satan is the perfect example of this. “Surely you will not die. You will gain knowledge and be like Gods. Don’t you want to be like everyone else?” he asks. Many of your so-called friends will do the same thing to you. They will ask, “Why do you deny yourself so many simple pleasures? I’ve done it and it hasn’t hurt me. You will still be the same person tomorrow as you are today. Go on. Try it.” Under constant pressure like this, many people cave. Broad is the path to destruction.

  Another major test that causes a crisis of faith is when something truly tragic happens in your life. It can be triggered by a betrayal from a loved one or respected preacher, teacher, or friend. But for most of us, that tragedy occurs when someone we love dies. I’ve seen many who have struggled or lost their faith altogether when this happens. The first question they ask is always, “Why God? Why did you let this happen?” Unable to cope with the tragedy, they blame God for it. I’ve been through this twice, so I know a little bit about what I’m speaking of here. Grief is a hard thing to deal with. Always in the back of my mind, though, I remind myself that God is love. He doesn’t make bad things happen to people. But he did set up the universe in such a way as to give us free will. To maintain that, he cannot allow himself to reach in and control every aspect of life to make it perfect. Doing so would provide the proof of his existence and deny free will which enables you to choose to come to Him in love by your own choice. That is the purpose of life.

  When a loved one does meet with what seems, and is, totally tragic to those left behind, remember that, if they are judged righteous by God(and all that takes is a little faith in Him), they are with Him. They are home. It is ok for you to miss them. But after the initial grief of their passing from us, we should rejoice for they are with the Lord. As Christians, it is the ultimate goal for any of us. And it is pretty selfish to prefer them to be here with us rather than in the arms of their Creator who loves them so much more. In reality, the rest of your life is only an eyeblink in time. If you remain true to your faith, you will be with them again soon enough. And this time it will be forever.

  So to my way of thinking, the first crisis in faith is a desirable process and the second one is inevitable. Seeing how you respond to either is the purpose of life. Choose wisely. Strengthen your faith at every opportunity. Without faith, life has no purpose. Don’t believe me? Imagine a world where you have no faith and no trust in anyone. Not even your spouse, family, or friends (accepting that without faith you would probably have neither of these). What would be the point of such an existence? There was a point in my life when I was very close to that. And it was hell on earth for me. I would never go back to that point. Even if someone points a gun at my head and says, “Deny him or die” or “Convert or die.” I could never give up this faith even to save my own life.

  So my friends, have a little faith. Take the leap. A blind man without faith will walk into a ditch. Using the key of faith, open your heart, and He will make all those ditches smooth for you to pass over unscathed. Once you can do this, your life will have purpose. You will fear death no more. The whole world can be at war, but you will have peace. I’ve lived the alternative and it is not pretty. Love and prayers for all my friends and family whether they’ve taken the leap or not. God be with you.